All I want for Christmas...

As we all get set for Christmas, Robert Childs, Garry Cutt, Richard Evans, John Maines and Philip Harper put their last minute requests in to Santa! Here is the feature, in full, from December's edition - Merry Christmas from all at Brass Band World. 


Dear BBW Santa,

Please could you arrange for me to borrow Dr. Who’s Tardis to transport me from South Wales to South Yorkshire in a minute, instead of the 12-hour round trip that it normally takes?

Could you also ask your elves to develop a mobile ‘phone App that translates players’ excuses into concise truthful messages? For example - Player: “I’m still at work, might be a little late for band.” Concise translation: “I won’t be at band tonight!”

The funniest one of these came when a player’s wife ‘phoned me and said her husband had been hit by a two-ton wrecking ball. She elaborated: “After the first impact, which knocked him to the ground, he managed to get back to his feet only to be knocked down a second time. He’s in a terrible state!” When I asked how long he was likely to be in hospital, she said: “Don’t worry. He’ll be at band next rehearsal!” 

Finally, I know this is a difficult one Santa, but if at all possible I’d like the present of a full band (including percussion) at least one week before a contest!

Yours sincerely,

Bob Childs - Musical Director, Grimethorpe Colliery Band and RWCMD Director of Brass Band Studies

Dear BBW Santa,

Please could you give me BBb bass players who do not pedal everything in sight and have the ability to make it an effect that is felt, not heard?

Also, if you have any room in your bag, could I have a warm-up room prior to every contest and courteous staff who speak respectfully to musicians quietly warming-up?

I know I’m probably being greedy now, but is there any chance you could persuade one of our major contests to bring back one of our ‘masterpieces’ from yesteryear? Although I like modern music, I would love them to choose anything by Holst, Elgar, Ireland or Ball to introduce some of our younger players to the real treasures in our repertory.

Finally, I’d like you to somehow reintroduce the true loyalty that existed in banding 30 or more years ago; players who stay with bands through thick and thin, and take absolute pride in wearing their band’s uniform. 

Yours sincerely,

Garry Cutt - Professional Conductor, Fairey Band.

Dear BBW Santa,

For Christmas this year, I’d really like one of the TV moguls to develop a sudden interest in brass bands and give us some banding reality shows. I can just imagine Simon Cowell chairing the panel at the British ‘National’, maybe with Alan Morrison and Simone Rebello alongside: “It’s a no from me....”; or Sir Alan Sugar pulling some hapless second baritone player into the boardroom: “You were late to rehearsal, your tuning is horrendous and your performance of Indian Summer was a disaster - you’re fired!”

Please could you also reverse the development in music technology back to a time when, to compose a piece of music, all you needed was a pencil and some manuscript paper. Hopefully this would put an end to the production line of musically-cloned pieces! Repeated cornet ostinato - check, slushy boyband harmonies - check, massive crescendo - check, tam tam roll to final major chord - check, apocalyptic bass drum - check. Aargh! Santa, please help us all… 

Yours sincerely,

Philip Harper - Musical Director, Cory Band

Dear BBW Santa,

This Christmas I’d be most grateful if you could leave a Time Machine under my tree! My first stop would be William Rimmer’s house, where he’d join me on a trip to Crystal Palace for the National Championships. Mr. Rimmer, who I am surprised to find out was known to his close friends as Will.i.am R, can tell me how he managed to get around so many bands to rehearse them all for the same contest! 

Could I also have some modern-day recording equipment so that, when we arrive at Crystal Palace, I can record the great man’s performance with modern-day recording techniques to prove, once and for all, the statement ‘that’s when we had a band’ is actually true!

Finally, I’d really appreciate it if you could revisit all the contests I’ve taken part in and alter the results so we won every one, because I thought we did anyway!

Yours sincerely,

John Maines - Conductor, World of Brass online Radio Presenter and NYBBGB Librarian

Dear BBW Santa,

Please can you destroy the current and very out-dated excuse book for missing rehearsals? The most unbelievable one I ever heard came from a player who ‘phoned my ex wife, knowing I had already left for the bandroom due to my insistence on never being late, and told her he couldn’t be at rehearsal because his dog had piles! It was only a year later when I was giving a talk to the Preston Ladies Luncheon Club and sat next to a lady vet that she told me “quadrupeds don’t suffer from piles.” Luckily I’d already sacked him!

Please can you also stop the decline in our band numbers and encourage support for far-sighted students who are creating events for like-minded brass band musicians, like Uni-Brass.

And my last request Santa, when you do finally retire, can I have your ‘gig’? I’ve already got the beard and nearly all my hair! HO HO HO!

Yours sincerely,

Richard Evans - Music Director Emeritus, Leyland Band and NYBBS